Dealing With Anger

How do you cope when you are feeling angry? How do you work your way through the emotions? How do you handle conflict? I posted this request and here are some of the responses from people worldwide. They come from all walks of life. Their ideas are filled with wisdom.

From Pablo, an artist:

I have learned to ask myself –why I am I getting angry? Does this anger make sense? Would I be better off handling the situation differently? I am old enough to have experienced the downsides of letting anger over ride good sense. I remind myself of the people that I have hurt, the friends I have alienated, the business I have lost, etc. by letting my temper make a fool of me. I also remind myself that anger is not good for one’s health.

I try to understand what the other person is really mad about. If I have done something stupid or make an error, I try to make it right. I also keep in mind that escalating the situation emotionally will not help things. It is good to just cool down before saying or doing much. The one line that I have is that I do not allow anyone to physical hurt me or my loved ones. I do not care what their problem with me is, they cannot cross that line.

I am both thankful and grateful. Yes, it is important to remember how blessed that you are and to keep things in perspective. Most things in life are really not worth getting upset over. As you gain more life experiences, you understand that being correct in your behavior towards others and having a loving attitude are more important than pride or most other things.

I grew up poor. My parents taught me the value of hard work, education and discipline. They also taught me to be thankful for what you have. They taught that thankfulness is happiness.

It has been an on going process of living and learning. Observing that people who are thankful are always happier than people who are negative reinforces my beliefs.

God has blessed me in so many ways–a talent, good parents, a wonderful wife, a successful career, Divine protection in numerous situations. One of the hardest lessons that I have had accepting is that God loves us and will bless us even when we do not deserve it.
What I treasure in my life is my wife. Secondly, my ability to create art. Third the wonderful place that I call home.

I try not to be a complete idiot and fool. I have seen Third World nations. I have had friends killed in war, in accidents and due to disease. I have been in situations that had they ended even slightly differently, my life would have been ruined.

If I were not grateful, I would be an enormous fool.

From Nancy, a nurse:

Realizing that no one can make me angry has been an eye opener. If I
am having the emotion of anger it is because I choose to be angry. So
if I recognize the state of anger I reflect on where that is coming
from. In the reflection I go back to a time that I felt like this.
Then I redefine the past event so that I understand why this emotion
is presenting itself at this time. Once I have done that I can then
release the anger I am holding on to.
Blessings of peace,
Nancy

“In two minutes at night you can create happier and more confident children by
speaking Pillow Talks to them while they sleep.”

Nurse Nancy Beck
http://www.NurseNancyTalk.com

From Jeff:

I USE BUBBLE MEDITATION. I CLOSE MY EYES AND FALL BACKWARDS INTO A POOL. I PUT EACH ANGRY SUBJECT INTO A BUBBLE. I GIVE THEM EACH A COLOR. I LET THE BLACK ONES FLOAT TO THE SERVICE AND WATCH THEM POP. I FEEL LIGHTER AS A RESULT OF THIS EXERCISE. TAKES 5 MINUTES.

I am 7 years sober. I appreciate every day that I am alive and continue to give back to those who freely gave to me. Re transition, I almost died and found out that I had acute alcohol poisoning. Came to the point where enough was enough and decided to do something about it. I am blessed that I have more money in the bank, new friends, wonderful family and a great life.

http://booksbyjeffreytaylor.com
http://jeffreytaylorgroup.com
http://jeffreytaylorpressroom.com

From LG:
First, with regard to anger is an awareness that I’ve been using with my daughter who is now in second grade. When someone does something that hurts her feelings or makes her angry, I remind her the mean person only hurt her once and that wasn’t nice, but that she keeps hurting herself again and again by thinking of it, and she can’t blame the “mean” person for that.

With regard to gratitude, every night after before she goes to sleep my daughter places a Token of Change(tm) on her forehead (my token, her ritual) and affirms, “I am grateful. I am kind. I create what’s on my mind. Perfect healthProsperity. My world reflects the change in me.” We talk a lot about what we are thankful for, including the people we love and how we are grateful that our bodies know how to heal themselves while we sleep if we take good care of them. We talk about kindness as how we treat ourselves, each other and every living thing. If you ask her what prosperity means, she’ll tell you it means we have everything we need and enough to share with others. No matter what happens at school, good or bad, we always find something to be grateful for and some way that we can respond with kindness. I think it’s working well because I’m not just saying the words to her or having her repeat the words, but actually living this change myself. Gratitude really is the foundation of my present relationship with God/Life/the Universe, and even though I experience unkind feelings just like other people, I acknowledge and release those feelings and choose to think and act with kindness toward myself, my child and everyone (not always easy for me as a deputy prosecuting attorney who works mostly with drug addicts and sex offenders as well as the occasional murderer). http://www.SocraticParenting.com

From Sherri:
Hello, I had a typical sad story. I was a single mom, living in a mobile home, with three small boys, driving a beat-up, rusty station wagon, with no money in the bank and I was battling Multiple Sclerosis (M.S.). Since I had been a stay-home mom for 11 years, I had no work experience and couldn’t seem to find a job making very much money. It took all I had to get my boys ready, myself ready, fight traffic and work an 8 hour day. However, then I came home to laundry, housework, grocery shopping, ballgames, band practice, lost library books, homework, and of course, making dinner. Not to mention, some days it took everything out of me to just get out of bed. Fighting an illness like M.S. can be difficult because it is a hidden disease. I always heard things like, “Well, you look good.” I did try to hide it too because I wanted to keep my job. While I had all of these things going, it really bothered me to hear these whiny salesmen come into work. Most of them had no real problems, but I seemed to spend the majority of the day keeping their spirits up. I finally put a sign on my desk that said, “If you say something negative, you have to say two positive things.” After awhile it became a kind of game. We all tried to think more positive. I remember calling into work one day because I had a blow out in my car. I was late because I had to get two new tires. As soon as I came in, they wanted to know what my two positive things were. I said, “Well, I had my cell phone with me so I could call someone. I didn’t wreck my car or hurt anyone…” They stopped me and told me that I only had to say two things. I realized then how powerful our minds can be. I could have spent my time bumming out because I was inconvenienced for a couple of hours. I was also out some extra money because I had to buy two new tires. Instead of dwelling on the bad things, I put my energy into thinking about the positive instead. To think about the things that could have happened – but didn’t, made me feel better about the situation because things could have been so much worse. It’s hard sometimes, but I have learned to live my life that way. I try to focus more on the good things in my life rather than the negative. Believe me, I have had my share of negative things, but I have also been very blessed. It really depends on how we look at it. Kind Regards, http://sherristanczak.webs.com

11 responses to “Dealing With Anger

  1. There are many in our society that feel justified in being angry. The possibility for telling someone off ranks high for many. I learned that no one is justified in having long standing anger. Before the sun goes down, we should rid ourselves of angry feelings. We can be angry before the sun goes down and perhaps during the night, but joy should come in the morning.
    Anger could lead to many physical, emotional, and spiritual problems. There is a time to weep and mourn over situations that may arouse our anger; however, when we indulge in anger over a long period of time, we may be apt to bring depression in our lives. We often play the suffering hero and the victim role in expressing our anger. We should not sit under the weeping or mulberry tree. We have to discharge our anger because it is a self destructive behavior. No one can thrive or receive a miracle in his life while being anger.
    Being a victim is no fun. I describe it as “Semitic Grief”. In Semitic literature, kings who had suffered a loss of a son or loved one went into a seven year period of mourning. They cursed the geographic area within a specific radius where the loss of a loved one had occurred. Drought resulted after the king had cursed an area where he had suffered a loss. The kings enlisted hired mourners to assist them in displaying their griefs.
    Most in our society may be unaware of the protracted periods of grief that we opften display. I feel it is something that is part of the foundation of Western culture which has the Old Testament from the Bible as one root of our culture. If we are aware of our long standing grieving period, we may realize the futility of such negative qualities in our behavior. We can take the example of the Prodigal Son and come to ourselves and go to the Father within to accept the Father’s or the higher consciousness’ use of wisdom. Many in our society realize the heavy burden of long lasting anger and come to the conculsion that we may be sick and tired of being sick, tired, and angry.
    When we rid ourselves of Semitic Grief, we can enter into Semitic Joy. We can forgive ourselves for sitting under the Weeping Tree. We can throw a party for the return to our Father(higher consciousness). We can dedicate our lives of banishing anger from our minds forever. We should know that our higher minds does not hold us for past sins or anger as long as we do not sin or distance ourselves from the powers of the spirit, wisdom, and unconditional love of the Father within. When we know that we are forgiven of our past sins, there should be an abundant feeling of joy and happiness. If we don’t forgive ourselves and other who have caused anger and grief in our lives, the Father within does not forgive us. If we want happiness and joy, we should display the act of forgiveness and know that the unconditional love of theFather will always surround us. With this knowledge, we should always be in the mood of Semitic Joy.

  2. I personally believe that anger is a very healthy emotion and in my case was something as a child I was taught not to have. I was taught not to feel or cry. I had no voice when I tried to tell members in my family what was going on they always told me I was just a little liar. I hid my anger with food and in later years alcohol and running from myself. My depression as a child was caused by my turning my anger in on myself and holding it there. I think what was a changing point for me was when I realized in my heart that it was okay to be angry with members of my family who sexually abused me and other abuses on the top of that. The more I voiced my anger in constructive ways the easier it was to accept who I was and to love how I came to cope with the trauma. Anger is not bad if used in the right way. It can be transforming. Of course I never suffered from severe rage. I know that someone can use rage as a cover up for real emotional pain. The challenge here is to get to the pain before the rage becomes detrimental to yourself or someone else.

  3. I spent all my life being really angry until I was in my forties. Some of it was about an abusive childhood, but I think a lot of it was about covering up my fear. People are less likely to mess with you when you’re angry than they are when you’re afraid. They usually don’t like you much (with reason). Anyway, there came a time when I just didn’t want to live with those feelings any more.
    I had to really look at what was keeping me from being in a place of joy. A lot of it came down to the fact that I was trying to live my life by other people’s standards, instead of doing what I wanted to do, and being the person I really am. Once I sold my house and most of my possessions, I felt much freer, and now I have learned to live my life from a place of trust rather than fear. It was a long journey, which I have chronicled in my book, My Sweet Wild Dance. The key for me was about being really honest with myself–not an easy thing to learn. I had to acknowledge my true feelings, and sometimes they weren’t pretty. But excuses just didn’t cut it any more. I’ll never regret all that work. I am so grateful that I can now live in a place of compassionate acceptance instead of judgmental anger. All of you out there who are willing to start being honest: I want you to know I am rooting for you.

  4. Also a waste of time. Do something that makes you happy. I learn and avoid the situation or person that makes me angry. Most people are angry because they have done everything for evelrybody and find out that those people are only using them. Find out the source of your anger, solve it and move on.

  5. THE POSTING BELOW IS FROM AUTHOR LYNNE NAMKA:

    Once upon a time thirty years ago when I was depressed, resentful, angry and ill with chronic fatigue, environmental illness and an unhappy marriage, a woman I did not know sent me a card with a quote by Albert Camus that said, “In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.” I framed the card and it continues to sit on my desk today. I studied good mental health and used the ideas until I took the needed steps for change. Today I write for others about working with their uncomfortable feelings.

    The Okays about Feelings for Kids of All Ages Lynne Namka, Ed. D. © 2009 It is okay for you to feel any way you feel. It’s okay to learn about these feelings and release them It is not okay to take bad feelings out on others. It is okay for your feelings to change. It is okay to feel sad and angry when you have been hurt. It is okay to feel confused if you don’t understand. It is okay to feel scary inside. It is okay to cry when you are hurting. It is okay to ask for help. It is okay for you to take care of yourself. It is okay to ask for a hug or to be held. It is necessary that you do something to calm yourself down. It’s not okay to act out your feelings when you are upset. It is most certainly okay for you to be yourself. It is okay for you to be who you are. From my new book, Parents Fight. Parents Make Up: Take Good Care of Yourself!

    The children I used to work with called me The Lady Who Knows About Mads. My husband and I volunteer our time at Talk, Trust and Feel Therapeutics to fulfill our mission of
    providing low-cost or free information to people about good mental health practices. We work for the good cause of working for peace by helping people understand and use their
    emotions in socially-appropriate ways.
    Parents Fight. Parents Make Up: Take Good Care of Yourself! and my other
    books and two curriculums are available from my website at http://www.AngriesOut.com. I have a free newsletter Inspiration and
    Transformation available on this site that goes out to 2167 people across the world. Thanks for your good work in the world. Lynne Namka

  6. CONTROLLING ANGER BEFORE IT CONTROLS YOU

    By Tom Starling,
    President/CEO of Mental Health Middle Tennessee

    Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can make you feel as though you’re at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful feeling. And it’s this uncontrollable anger that can lead to problems at work and in your personal relationships, negatively affecting the overall quality of your life.

    Signs and Causes of Anger:

    Like other emotions, anger is accompanied by physiological and biological signs and changes. When you feel angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as does the level of your energy hormones, adrenaline and noradrenaline.

    Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry at a specific person (such a coworker or supervisor) or at an event (a traffic jam or a canceled flight), or your anger might be caused by worrying or brooding about personal problems. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can trigger angry feelings, too.

    And some people may have a genetic or physiological predisposition to anger. There is evidence that some children are born irritable, touchy and easily angered, and that these signs are present from a very early age. Another cause may be sociocultural. Anger is often regarded as negative; we’re taught that it’s all right to express anxiety, depression or other emotions, but not to express anger. As a result, we don’t learn how to handle it or channel it constructively. Research has also found that family background plays a role. Typically, people who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic and not skilled at emotional communications.

    Problems Caused By Unexpressed Anger:

    Unexpressed anger can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything and making cynical comments haven’t learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren’t likely to have many successful relationships.

    Why Are Some People Angrier Than Others?

    Some people really are more “hotheaded” than others; they get angry more easily and more intensely than the average person. There are also those who don’t show their anger in loud spectacular ways but are chronically irritable and grumpy. Easily angered people don’t always curse and throw things; sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk or get physically ill.

    People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply, that they feel that they should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience or annoyance. They can’t take things in stride and they’re particularly infuriated if the situation seems somehow unjust, such as being corrected for a minor mistake.

    How to Know If You Need Counseling for Your Anger Issues:

    If you feel that your anger is out of control and having an impact on your relationships and other important parts of your life, you might consider counseling. A psychologist or other licensed mental health professional can work with you in developing a range of techniques for changing your thinking and your behavior.

    When you talk to a prospective therapist, tell her or him that you have problems with anger that you want to work on, and ask about their approach to anger management. Make sure this isn’t only a course of action designed to “put you in touch with your feelings and how to express them,” which may be precisely the nature of your problem.

    With counseling, psychologists say a highly angry person can move closer to a middle range of anger in about eight to ten weeks, depending on circumstances and the techniques used.

    _Remember, you can’t eliminate anger – and it wouldn’t be good if you could. In spite of all your efforts, things will always happen that will cause you to become angry and sometimes it will be justifiable anger. Life will always be filled with frustration, pain, loss and the unpredictable actions of others. You can’t change that; but you can change the way you let such events affect you. _

    FOR MORE INFORMATION OR ASSISTANCE IN MIDDLE TENNESSEE, CONTACT:

    THE MENTAL HEALTH ASSOCIATION OF MIDDLE TENNESSEE

    2416 21ST AVENUE SOUTH, SUITE 201

    NASHVILLE, TN 37212

    777-DUCK OR (615) 269-5355

    http://WWW.ICHOPE.ORG

  7. After a lifetime of physical, mental, and emotional abuse at the hands of both my parents and my first husband, I was a “rage”-aholic who SUPPRESSED that rage and fell into the deep pit of despair and depression at age 47. I stayed there for THREE ETERNAL YEARS.

    Internalized rage BECOMES depression.

    My adult daughter ran from her sick Mother, and my friends did not know how to reach out to the once “vibrant” me.

    My family HMO Dr. recommended a Psychiatrist at the beginning of my decline. The Psychiatrist began the process of drugging me to the point of oblivion. I was on FOURTEEN medications; seven of which were psych meds. I was not strong enough to fight the “good” (?) Dr.; she even threatened me with electro-shock treatments if I did NOT sign myself in to the local psychiatric hospital. I was depressed, distressed and terrified. Fortunately, my ins. co. would only PAY for out patient treatment, so I acquiesed.

    I spent one week in out-patient treatment, taking handfuls of pills and DRIVING MYSELF to treatment. I was DUI on prescription meds! I had become my parents! (Drug and alcohol addicted.) Fortunately I did NOT abuse alcohol while on all those meds, or I wouldn’t be here to tell this story.

    After one week of out-patient treatment, I went home; a lonely place with a work-a-holic husband who didn’t know how to handle a sick wife. I slept 14 – 16 hours a day, took pills, and tried to “hide” my illness from everyone, because depression is shame based.

    Sometimes I watched the clock from my bed, living MINUTE BY MINUTE. I would think “OK. You just survived one more minute. ON to the next minute . .”

    After approximately 2 years of living this way, I could stand it no longer. I went to my cupboard full of pills, and thought “I am OUT of here. I cannot live with this emotional pain any longer. I see no other way out.” Because I had a life-long relationship with the Almighty, as I opened up the cupboard to get the pills, I got a sense that suicide was NOT an option. It was almost as if the HAND OF GOD came through, and made me shut the doors. I tried again, and that time I got “words” in my head: “DON’T DO THAT.” So, I flushed all the pills away, and went back to my world of darkness, and suffering.

    BY THE GRACE OF GOD, my Psychiatrist was transferred to another state. I found a Ph.D. level Psychologist who helped me mentally and emotionally, and was able to get back to my original family physician because our Ins. plan changed. I was 50 pounds heavier, drugged, and desperate. I remember the look on his face as he said “What did they DO to you?”

    We began the process of getting me off ALL BAD DRUGS. The de-drugging took over one year. By working closely with my Psychologist, my self-esteem began to come back slowly. I credit both skilled men for helping me recover, and my own tenacious determination to be “well” again.

    Today? I am divorced from my abusive husband, and I returned to school for a third academic degree. I am an Holistic Health Care Practitioner, and my passion is to help others overcome their pain. In my darkest hours, there was no one there for me, so it is my mission to reach out to others, so that they will NOT suffer as I did.

  8. When people are angry, 2 avenues immediately are available, depending
    on their natural predisposition. Active people may wish to first do something
    very energetic to reduce the strong angry energy within them. Like releasing
    the steam in a pressure cooker before they explode. After they’ve run
    around the block, or gone to the gym, or screamed at the ocean, the strong
    urge to “do something” is satisfied and they can now think straight. Now
    they’re ready to do what is written below.

    If a more introspective type of person becomes very mad, they may
    immediately turn to meditation or visualization or find some distraction
    like a movie, doing puzzles, playing video games, talking with a
    friend on the phone, listen to favorite music, dance around the room.
    Any number of distractions that serve to temporarily help the person
    stop thinking about and being angry.

    Later, the person can brainstorm and resolve the situation.

  9. I recently returned from a trip to visit family for the holidays. It turned out to be a difficult holiday season because my extended family went through a lot of conflict. I came home riddled with anger, I struggled with sleepless nights.
    A few days ago I decided to sit down and journal about the experience. As I did so I uncovered a lot of hurt and fear that was lurking beneath my anger. As I journaled I was able to release these emotions.
    I’ve been watching my heart and in the past few days I can say with relief that the anger is gone.
    So often our anger is fueled by softer emotions and when we can take the time to talk or journal we can get to the heart of the matter.
    Kathryn (www.kathryndebruin.com)

  10. Anger is the emotional energy within each of us that rises up when something needs to change.

    If you act on the need to create change, your anger can be channeled effectively; but it’s not redirected to something effective, your frustration will build, sometimes to hurricane force.

    Anger that is allowed to get out of control is as destructive as a hurricane, but anger that is expressed in healthy ways can “clear the air” just as a mild rainstorm does. If you express your anger clearly and cleanly, without too much drama, it will be like a cleansing rain, leaving you calm and relaxed, and the problem solved.

    People who have angry outbursts, whether at spouses or freeway traffic, have poor impulse control. They are often emotionally stuck in the early childhood temper tantrum stage (about age 2 ½ to 3) because they never learned to manage their own anger. Whoever was supposed to help them manage their temper, such as parents or teachers, were absent, intimidated or helpless, and allowed the child to grow into a raging adult. People who are prone to violent outbursts may also have witnessed a family member who was a “rage-aholic” and frequently angry or violent. People who rage don’t know how to do emotional maintenance and shake off stress. They also don’t know how to quit when something is getting to them. Those who allow themselves to rage don’t know how to tell they’re on the brink, or how to stop. They often have a sense of entitlement (“I just have a bad temper”) and a lack of emotional maturity. For the people subjected to the angry outburst, it’s actually like dealing with a tantrum-throwing three-year-old in an adult body, which is dangerous.

    The difference between people who lose their temper (throw fits, throw objects, scream and yell) and those who don’t is that those with self control can feel that they’re getting upset, getting close to “losing it.” With enough harassment and pressure, anyone can be goaded into rage.

    People who usually keep control of their anger just stop or leave the situation earlier; before they are pushed so far. They respect their own anger, and deal with it effectively. As soon as they feel their emotions getting out of control, they stop what they’re doing, walk away, change their thinking or attitude, write out their upset, pray, or call a friend to get calmed down.

    Once an angry person understands that just spewing anger about is not healthy or functional, anger management is not difficult to learn. Most habitually angry people have a feeling of entitlement (“I can’t change who I am”) that prevents them from wanting to control their anger. Once they understand that shouting, blaming, raging and being violent doesn’t accomplish anything; that it ruins relationships, and makes them look weak, rather than powerful, then learning to control anger is not hard. I tell clients who see me for anger management that “He who loses it, loses,” because no matter who started it, or who’s to blame, once you lose your temper, you become the bad guy.

    You Have Choices

    To solve your anger problems, make some choices: Do you want to keep doing what you’re doing, or do you want to learn self control and have a life that works? Do you want to look macho or controlling, or do you want to be successful? Do you want to be right, or be loved? In every case, learning to control your anger and act responsibly will get you more of what you want from life.

    If you or your partner tends to get loud and obnoxious frequently, it’s a bigger problem than just struggling. Perhaps you need to swear off drinking, or get some therapy. No matter what, you must find a way to end this childish and demeaning behavior. If your partner tends to be too argumentative, use behavioral training: Treat him or her very well as long as he or she’s agreeable and will discuss things calmly. If your spouse gets oppositional and controlling; try being silent. Do not respond at all. If your partner doesn’t stop after a few moments, or if she or he gets louder, that may be evidence of anger management problems. Out of control yelling and bad behavior is actually a childish temper tantrum, and it is not necessary to put up with it. Leave on the spot. If you’re home, go to another room, or take a walk. If you’re dining out, take a taxi, leave money for the bill if there is one, but get out of there. It doesn’t matter how important the occasion is; it’s ruined anyway. Once your mate realizes you’re not going to put up with bad behavior, he or she will hopefully understand it is unacceptable, and change it if possible, or perhaps even get necessary therapy.

    The person who loses his or her temper looks like the bad guy to everyone else, no matter who started the problem, or who is really at fault. Keeping your cool is a very important social skill. It doesn’t matter who’s right, who started it, or whether it’s fair. He (or she) who “loses it” to win an argument actually loses everything instead.

    To get better at controlling your anger, use the following exercise to visualize a scene where you got angry, and replay the tape several times, to get a clear picture of yourself responding in different ways. When you do this, you are actually rehearsing different reactions, and giving yourself new options. You always have choices: you can laugh, walk away, get thoughtful, be afraid, be angry or be reasonable.

    Exercise: Rewinding the Tape

    1. Imagine a previous angry situation as if it’s occurring now. Get as clear a picture of the scene as possible, imagining what people are wearing, what the room looks like, etc.

    2. Mentally play the scene as if it’s a video, and see how it develops. Don’t worry if it plays out according to your worst fears; just watch it as you would any video.

    3. Because this scene didn’t go well originally, consider what you’d like to change about what you’re doing (remember, you can’t control the others in the scene, but you can get them to respond differently by giving them something different to respond to.) Rewind and replay this mental image, trying new ways to handle it until you are successful (that is, you handle the situation without losing your temper).

    4. Play the tape a few more times, with this successful process and outcome, until you feel confident you can do and say what you are visualizing.

    5. Play the tape again and again, visualizing your successful outcome. The more you replay it, and practice your new responses, the easier it will be to access them in the next discussion.

    6. You have just reprogrammed your mind to create some new responses to tense or angry situations, and you’ll find these responses are available to you when you need them. Use this technique any time you’re concerned about an upcoming discussion or confrontation.

    (Adapted from: _Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Squabbling About the Three Things That Can Destroy Your Marriage _(Adams Media) ISBN# 978-1-59869-325-6 © Tina B.Tessina 2008)

  11. When I was a young mom, I was physically abusing my two-year-old
    daughter and terrified I would kill her in one of my rages. Although it
    took many things to bring me out of that depressive anger (I almost
    committed suicide), one simple thing that I did was to vent my anger
    constructively when she disobeyed. I learned to go to the end of the
    hall where she couldn’t see me and jog in place or pound a pillow or
    scream into a pillow. That was simple; the harder thing was to find the
    underlying cause of my anger. I began to realize that she wasn’t the
    issue. The issue were the adults in my life. I needed to release my
    unrealistic expectations that they could meet my every need. In time,
    these kinds of things, along with trusting God, made a big difference.

    (from my book, When Counting to Ten Isn’t Enough)

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